Warning: There are mild spoilers in this fanfic, not big ones but still spoilers.

This fic takes place around episode 15.

"Thoughts of a Man" by Ryan Davies (Captain Jack)

"Proceed"

Only a few hours of visiting the grave of his beloved, he was back to work, it was all that he had. His thoughts were clearly focused on his work as it had been since the Second Impact. He was a cold, ruthless man, at least that was the wall he had put up. Like an AT Field, his emotions were sealed away from the world, twisted and tortured, forced to contort itself deep inside his heart from the constant show of discipline he had forced upon himself long ago.

As angel after angel was defeated, he thought to himself, "Not much longer and we'll be together."

In so short of time, so many scientific breakthroughs had been achieved by his organization. So many achievements indeed. Yet, how much did they really know about the future? Absolutely nothing. All they could really do is wait and hope for the best. Those achievements had come at a price more costly than he had bargained for, as Yui, his wife, had been taken from him because of his, he blamed himself, his ignorance of the Evas. Had he have known better, he would not have let her perform such a reckless deed.

So many years ago, yet he remembered them as if they were yesterday. She was very proud that day, before attempting to synchronize with an Eva for the very first time. She even brought Shinji along to witness her triumph. And then, and then nothing. Literally nothing, absorbed by that beast, but not dead. Shinji did not understand any of it, why had his father become so suddenly angry. When he first realized his mother would not be back again, how he cried. His cries. Gendou did not know how to react to them for he had always thought that Yui would always be there. When word got out about the "death" of Yui Ikari, the press had a heyday. "Incompetence." "Gendou Ikari suspected in murder." "UN organization corrupt."

All the pressure let loose at once. His mind could not pen up the anger any longer. At home, he burned, broke, and tore up every memory he had of his wife, hoping the pain would go away when the cause of the pain by forgetting. Even his only son.

Shinji was gone from his life, they grew apart and eventually lived apart. He remembered the time before his birth. "If it's a boy, I'll name him Shinji. If it's a girl, I'll name her Rei." Rei was dear to him, she meant more to him than his own son. She was both like a daughter a wife, his wife, at least created from her DNA along with another that was very much apart of his work. It was his way of salvaging the family he had lost, but nobody could ever know his true relation to Rei.

"People live by forgetting the past, but there are some things you shouldn't forget." The words burned inside of him every single second of his life now that the one who spoke them is gone. He won't forget her, he won't ever be able to.

He believed Shinji hated him. He never saw his own pain, he ran from his pain and would come to terms with his loss. But he was no different, just like his son, he hid from the world, behind his glasses and his work. He wanted his son to confront the pain he had failed to face. Gendou only hoped his son would forgive him for his coldness when Yui was brought back into their lives, then everything would be just like it was before. But he realized he was no father, he had lived for his work and realized he knew nothing of fatherhood. He had failed as a father as well as a husband.

He had never loved the women he had slept with after her death. He knew he would get his beloved Yui back when the time was right. He used those women so he could get another step closer to Yui, yes he'd admit that to himself. She was so close to him, alive inside that thing we call an Eva, but he could not hold her. So close it made him want to do anything to reach her again.

SEELE and the Japanese government, both very dangerous enemies. Had they have known what his plans were, his demise would have been assured for different reasons. The Japanese government was suspicious of his organization and it being above the law. NERV kept them safe from the angels, but they pried with their spies to find his true plans. SEELE wanted that Third Impact. How wrong those old fools were to think their scenario would have done anything more than destroying the human race. His own plans were of a much grander scale, to bring man to the next level of evolution peacefully, but most important, to bring Yui back to him.

"People live by forgetting the past, but there are some things you shouldn't forget." How true those words are, how true. "I'll never forget you. You're pictures are all destroyed, but the pictures inside my heart I will never forget. They are the ones most dearest to me."

Author's notes:

After reading so many fics about Gendou being a cruel heartless man, I decided I'd take some time away from my other Eva fic to write this one. I was planning on using some of this in my other fic, but I decided I'd write it now. In case you were wondering, I find Gendou Ikari to be an admirable character in that his thought process is one very similar to mine. His is one which is purely based on logic, void of emotions that cloud his judgment. He is able to do all this while playing with very high stakes. For him to let his emotion rule his judgment could mean mistakes that would cause the Third Impact. I think he hides behind a front, just like every other character in the series does. That's why I believe he does not deserve all the hatred many fans thinks he deserves. C+C much appreciated.